Let’s face it: substitute teachers aren’t like other educators. They come in later, leave earlier and don’t bother to learn students’ names because they’ll be babysitting a different class the following day. That, and they brazenly practice the dark arts in public schools to forever warp young Christian minds.
When is a toothpick not a toothpick? When it is actually a wizard’s staff obscured before the naked eye with a glamor most powerful. It is with this powerful instrument substitute wizards can cloak their “toothpicks” with a spell of invisibility, force middle schoolers to learn, slay dragons and grant hall pass privileges.
The one thing these magical masters are not adept at, it seems, is finding new work after being fired for wizardry.
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I show you the following, dear reader, not to decimate your retinas beyond repair, but to prove that if you can imagine something, it probably already exists on the Internet.
The worst Johansson can really be accused of, though, is overexuberant fandom. If she wasn’t making movies and laying down tracks with the dude from TV on the Radio in her downtime, she’d probably be on Deviant Art uploading MS Paint files of her and Tom as furries.
Curious about the probability of such a ghastly thing existing on Deviant Art, I set out to locate uploaded content fitting the description. Imagine my horror when I discovered an image closely fitting the description (although, as you can see, it was not made in MS Paint):
John Harris contends that swearing is verbal violence. I maintain it’s just speaking English. The 18th Century French don’t make a distinction between the two.
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My name is Monika Molluska, and I am a college drop out. Not only that, but I am a twice over a college drop out.
Not so long ago, when I was working my way through the K-12 educational system, my teachers, parents, relatives, and every other adult that I came into contact with had big dreams for me: Dreams of an Ivy League nature; dreams of a postdoctoral nature; dreams of a “you are going to spend your entire life trapped behind the gated brick walls of some higher center of learning” nature. For a while I went along with it, until I started to take a look around me and see what they were turning me into. I hesitated to throw myself entirely into academics and started to branch out into other areas of life, like art, music, and socialization. In other words: I fucking rebelled. But they didn’t give up hope. Oh no. When I graduated I went to school, plans of getting into mathematics and all. I was able to hack it for a while, and then I dropped. I transfered into fashion design at an art school, became stifled, came back, and picked up something new.
Everyone has heard at some point that a college degree is worth a million dollars. It’s said because it is believed that on average a college graduate makes $1 million dollars more in their lifetime than the non college graduate. Academic institutions have picked up on this little piece of statistical information and have taken a full-on sprint with it. They have been steadily raising tuition prices to extreme heights with no indication they’ll be stopping anytime soon. Which leads me to this: You might be making an extra million in your life - the keyword there is might, but you are going to be at least an extra hundred thousand in debt right off the bat. They you add in the stress, work, and hardship of the normal college experience, and the continued stress, work, and hardship of whatever job you wind up with.
Plus, to be perfectly honest, I am under the impression that most people in this world are complete morons, and a piece of paper really isn’t going to change that. You might be able to stumble your way through college, but all you are really doing is making it more difficult for the people who actually deserve to be there and can not only take from but add to the educated community.
Somebody over at the Heward Dental Lab decided that it was a great idea to paint portraits onto Crown and Bridge work. My initial response was “Oh wow. That’s pretty sweet.” But looking at their page, I was forced to reconsider my thoughts on the so-called “tooth tattoos.” Why is there a picture of a little cute Goth/Punk girl up on their banner when they are selling tooth portraits of Abe Lincoln and American Eagles… anyone? anyone? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like they need to pick a crowed to market to and go with it. You don’t need to be mixing up the people who would use it as a form of modification with the people who would use it for what they are actually intended for, which is of course to fill that open gap when you get old and forget how to floss. If they want to introduce this concept into the body mod industry, they have to get some better stuff then what they have up there.
Even the concept itself is in need of some help. As an artist, I will say that the talent that these guys possess is hella mega. Seriously, to paint such a realistic portrait on a tooth is no small achievement. But if you look at it from the body mod standpoint it doesn’t really work. The portraits and other paintings on teeth are too defined for such a small area. To anyone who is even just talking to you, it’s going to look like you have some huge rotting piece of food in your teeth, or that your tooth is rotting. So if you like the whole smack addict look, then go right ahead. There is a reason why I talk people into getting bigger tattoos done: because you can actually tell what you are looking at from far away.
Teeth are a tricky thing too. As anyone who has had braces knows, putting the black bands on them seemed cool at the time, but if you look back at a picture with you wearing them it looks like you have big cavities in the center of all of your teeth. This is the exact same concept, only instead of a black rubber band, you have Elvis. I don’t know about you but I really don’t like people getting up in my face, and to actually show off a tooth “tattoo” you would have to get pretty up close and personal with anyone who confronts you about it.
