May 16th, 2008
by Monika Molluska
Midnight snacking will never look the same again.
In an attempt to shock dieters into sticking to their weight loss programs, some crazy bald guy that goes by the name of Jay Jacobs is selling a certain “motivational” weight loss tool. It’s not a diet plan, it’s not an exercise machine, it’s not a gym membership. Oh no. It’s something much more. It’s an anatomically correct 5 pound fat mold. And where is the best place to keep such an item? In the refrigerator, of course! You can also carry around a pound in your bag, or on your desk, and an ounce on your key chain.
Personally, looking at 5 pounds of fat every day would motivate the hell out of me to loose some weight. Plus, it would take up a whole bunch of room in the fridge, replacing those snack packs and chocolate cakes. Hell, at this point, people should wear a fat suit showing how much weight they need to loose. Not only is the humiliation factor hilarious, but the added weight of the suit will make the process even quicker.
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Posted in Health | 2 Comments »
April 21st, 2008
by Robert Starvation
Viruses that can kill human beings by causing them to painfully hemorrhage will always be scary. Be it the 12th, 21st or 36 century, we shiver at the thought of squirting, messy death. If there’s even the slightest chance we could be infected ourselves, our usually dependable bladders are liable to empty themselves.
Near the end of a New Scientist article about Chapare, a newly discovered and decidedly deadly virus discovered in a remote village in Bolivia, pandemic laymen are introduced to the Chapare’s disease family, arenaviruses. Arenaviruses are severe, have high mortality rates, and could be lurking in your neck of the woods:
Charles Fulhorst, an arenavirus expert at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston, says Chapare is the tip of the iceberg. Many new species of virus lurk in South America – and perhaps North America. “Just when you think you know what’s out there, another one pops out,” he says.
Rollin agrees and calls for more lab and field work to get a handle on Chapare. “There are lot of arenaviruses we don’t know,” he says. “Are they going to be the new pandemic virus that’s going to wipe out the planet? I don’t think so, but they could be a local problem.”
It’s enough to make one’s bladder quiver in distress. Dangerous? Check. Mysterious? Check. Hiding in plain sight? Check. Epic-sounding description? Double check.
Almost everyone wants to be remembered after they’re dead; you’d be hard-pressed, however, to find a person who wants to be remembered for the highly infectious and incurable disease that took their life by making their eyeballs violently burst out of their head. The American public can stop worrying about bird flu and Ebola. The Appalachian arenavirus I’m dubbing “Hillbilly Fever” will turn us into a nation of justifiable incontinents.
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Posted in Science and Technology, Health | 1 Comment »
April 18th, 2008
by Monika Molluska
I’m a chick. I’m a chick with some meat on me. And as a chick with some meat on me, I can say whatever the hell I want on the subject.
It’s cool that women are trying to debunk the social ideas of beauty that we have been having to live with for the past few decades. What, with the Dove campaign in full swing, and all those up-sizing run way models, there seems to be a cultural shift going on. And more power to them; Twiggy screwed stuff up for us. The “Heroin Chic” trends of the 90’s screwed stuff up even more. I agree that women have had pressure put upon them to become an unusual, and unhealthy, degree of thin. And I agree that in the plastic surgery era we have had bigger expectations to live up to the ideas of beauty that were forced on us by a bunch of gay men running around New York. And I know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” And I know that artists want to make society think by presenting images that are controversial or unexpected. And I know that one of the reasons why our world is so great is because we are all so different.
But, truth be told, I am tired of seeing a bunch of ugly fat chicks. I have to see them enough in my daily activities. I have to see them when I go shopping. I have to see them when I go out to eat. I have to sit behind them while they are getting their hips and lower backs tattooed. And believe me… it’s not a pretty sight.
So why would I want to see them all over canvases and art books?
(more…)
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Posted in Arts and Culture, Health | No Comments »
April 16th, 2008
by KK4
Scenic Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as seen from the Schuylkill River.
Following last month’s AP report that a study of city water supplies found trace amounts of dozens of pharmaceutical drugs in the water, Philadelphia’s city council is finally taking action. Now, only if we could get them to take the fluoride, which pollutes our natural bodily fluids as part as an insidious communist plot to further world socialism by causing cancer and eating holes in your brain making us docile slaves, out of the drinking water.
One can only hope that the city council will act to protect the health of millions instead of passing illegal gun restriction laws.
I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. -Gen. Jack D. Ripper
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Posted in Science and Technology, Politics, Health | No Comments »
April 14th, 2008
by Robert Starvation
Would-be Nathan Explosions have grappled with the possibility that channeling hell’s infernal chorus will do long-term damage to their vocal chords since proto-death metalers first discovered yowling and electric guitars are not mutually exclusive. It’s a risk they’ve come to accept, a risk those not busy corroding their voices with 3-pack-a-day habits and whiskey try to minimize, and a risk most metal growlers – at least publicly – say is a sacrifice for their art.
The question of whether or not you can sing death metal (or black metal, or doom metal, or grindcore, or screamo, or…) without ruining your voice has been on the minds of drug-abusing scientists as well. After extensive study, these junkie know-it-alls have concluded that gravelly-voiced (or “non-melodic”) singing, be it of the Jarvis Cocker or Sanrabb end of the spectrum, is not the catastrophic voice-destroyer some worryworts have claimed.
This is great news for the metal community. There’s never been a better reason to scream obscenities in a crowded room.
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Posted in Science and Technology, Entertainment, Pop culture, Health | No Comments »
