Ah, George, how we’ve missed you. You’ve been a reliable font of countrified idiocy since your Supreme Court appointment those many years ago. You never stopped offering those nuggets of stupification, but the press has long since moved on to the fresh (and not so fresh) meat that are in a three-way death race to replace you.
Sometimes, though, we can’t help but take notice. When you step up to your bully pulpit and say, without the slightest trace of irony, that Congress has let down America, we do a spit-take. As much as we’re loathe to agree with you, you’re right. Congress has let the American people down. Not only that, but as you say, they’re “playing politics,” and showing a “lack of leadership” and “inactivity on big issues.”
Seeing as you’ve brought us around to your way of thinking, Mr. President, we ask but one small favor of you. Would you kindly stop whatever you are (or aren’t) doing, walk to the nearest lavatory, and take a long, hard look at the funny-looking man staring at you in the mirror?
Despite not being a member of Congress, that man has let America down. That man has led us further down the path of ruination than an entire building’s worth of fat, useless Congressmen. And having proverbially screwed the pooch, that man now spends his days “playing politics,” and showing a “lack of leadership” and “inactivity on big issues.” Be a peach and remember to include him next time you publicly denounce politicians for letting America down.
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The aspiring Idaho politician vying to replace Sen. Larry Craig won’t be no toe-tapper, no sir. And he loves babies. Just loves ‘em. He’s the most pro-life politician/organic strawberry farmer on American soil. If he were any more pro-life, he’d have to legally change his name to “Pro-Life”. I take that back. He did legally change his name to Pro-Life.
If Pro-Life can save one zygote from the Islamobortionists who, we can only presume, maraud Idaho’s soil-rich fields, stealing delicious strawberries and forcing Jesus-loving farmwives to spontaneously abort the future Christian soldiers gestating in their fecund wombs, all the unwanted flack over his stupid, stupid theocratic posturing will have been worth it.
The 66-year-old Pro-Life threatens promises to run for office every two years until the day he dies. He reasons his profligate pro-life provocation thusly: If people are forced to see “Pro-Life” on the ballot, why, the few sad fools who still believe in a woman’s right not to be perpetual infant machines will just have to change their minds.
And if they don’t? Pro-Life has a few ideas for new laws, which - apropos to the tortured logic of the religious philosophy he adamantly espouses - would put the women who have abortions and the doctors who perform the procedure to death. If there’s any lesson we can glean from this absurd situation, it’s that “going organic” does not make a person any less insane.
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The Obama-as-Jesus meme erupted most ridiculously in mid-January, when Barackula’s crazy-like-a-crazy-fox pastor Reverend Dr. Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr., who was visibly frustrated about Hillary Clinton’s New Hampshire victory, launched into a historically-inaccurate tirade about how the greasy Italian Roman motherfuckers (”The man”) kept the black messiah down. And then up, on the cross. But usually down, because that’s the only way the Italians, who were Europeans, which made them all the white man, knew how to treat the Jews, who were totally African.
Wright then drew a parallel between the Passion of the Christ (not the Mel Gibson movie, thank the extremely tan son of God) and Obama’s struggles, which entailed winning medals in the Oppression Olympics. But Hillary never, ever, not even that one time in jest
“ain’t never been called a nigger.”
I mean sure, she’s been called a frigid bitch cunt dyke who may or may not have been sent from the future to kill John Conner, but that was all gentle ribbing.
“I am honored to be here with Barack Obama. I am absolutely honored .. Whatever happens, we’re going to be fine. You know, we have strong support from our families and our friends. I just hope that we’ll be able to say the same thing about the American people, and that’s what this election should be about.”
For a brief moment, it even looked like her campaign was pivoting methodology, adapting a more personal approach that voters are much more likely to respond to (as evidenced by an ad the following day which made use of the moment).
If Hillary was charting a new course, though, Mark Penn had instigated a mutiny by the start of the weekend. Starting Saturday, and continuing through today, Clinton has been on the bitter, angry offensive, casting the rival campaigns as at loggerheads on all the important issues. First, her surrogate/husband compared Obama to the idiot in chief, a charge which she seconded. Spoiling for a fight, she lunged at her target like she smelled blood. And she did - but it was her own. Does she truly believe scolding Obama is a winning strategy?
Godwin’s Law states “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.” I’ll stay well away from such a comparison. It’s mean-spirited, and hijacks the direction of otherwise cordial political arguments. I will not compare Hillary Clinton to Hitler, because such an attack would have no foundation in reality. That said, you do have to admit that her hand gestures around the 0:52 mark are, uh, something else.
John McCain is an aggressive man. One might think that all he does nowadays is aggressively pursue constituencies he publicly denounced eight years earlier, but he infamous for a hawkish view and a quick temper. It doesn’t take much to get him going. Most especially, the old McCainiac hates it when his intelligence is insulted. Unfortunately, the Senator from Arizona has a rather expansive view of what constitutes “insulting his intelligence”, including:
Looking at him the wrong way.
Speaking to him in French.
Cutting in front of him in line.
Coming down with the flu.
Gay marriage.
Using any word in conversation that has four or more syllables.
Accidentally calling him “McBane”.
Using an outside voice inside his campaign headquarters.
Not understanding the military.
Questioning the wisdom of occupying Iraq for the next hundred years.
Speaking to reporters in Richmond, VA … Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) attacked “anyone” who points out that he is “fine” with keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 100 or more years. “Anyone who worries about how long we’re in Iraq does not understand the military and does not understand war,” said McCain.
He then added that it is “really almost insulting to one’s intelligence” to question “how long we’re in Iraq” because he believes the current “strategy” is “succeeding.”
It almost goes without saying how correct McCain is. Anyone who worries about the duration of this tragic war doesn’t grasp the complexities of the conflict. Sorry, military wives and children wondering when Daddy is coming home: you just don’t get it. National guardsman who never imagined they’d be drawn into the theater of war, now on their fourth tour of duty: Stop insulting John’s intelligence. You disgust me with your venomous pleas to return to a semblance of a normal life. And those inside the Pentagon for whom the scales have been lifted from their eyes? Retired generals? Wounded soldiers? How can you understand the military?
Sure, the people of Iraq have concluded they’re worse off than they were under the iron fist of Saddam, but what do they knowaboutwar?
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